Bitchin' in the kitchen (again)

There is a magazine called Clean Eating and its Web site offers you menus for a week of Clean Meals.

"Eating clean has helped me balance my life in such a great way." That is what the editor says on the site.

Ha, ha! C'mon in, the dishwater's fine!

Surely this is the golden age of cooking weirdness. Other things I think are funny:

(You may play Leonard Pennario's "March of the Lunatics" as you digest this list:)

1. When they call arugula "rocket."

(Well, there is one nice thing about that and that is when your friend who is helping you cook treats the arugula wrong you can always yell something about rocket science.)

2. When they call bell peppers "capsicums." I am sorry, it is just not as appetizing.

(On the other hand "courgettes" is cute for zucchini. And "aubergine" is a pretty way of saying eggplant.)

3. When they tell you to use "best-quality." Don't tell me what to do. I know what I can afford.

4. "Buy pre-cut onions to save time." What are these people doing that is so important? Here I am writing a book on America's greatest pianist. If I have time to cut onions anyone does

5. Instant polenta. And that it comes in tubes. Why tubes? Can't they pack it into a tray or something?

6. Ever notice how European stuff and Mexican stuff and all kinds of other things we have to order away for are better than anything locally produced?

7. Germans get no credit for contributing anything. Cookbooks will print you recipes for pork roast cooked with apples, sausage with mustard, and sweet-and-sour cabbage with apples and oh, it is always French.

8. Cooking Light magazine, in what are clearly its twilight days, giving us recipes for doughnuts and fritters.

9. Stir-fries. I do them once in a while but they make me awfully nervous. I hate making these fussy Asian dishes that demand that I have everything ready in assorted little bowls before I start cooking.

10. Fill in the blank.

Fellow gripers appreciated!