Ugly Betty and me

Ugly Betty is supposed to be getting her braces off this season and so am I.

I read about Ugly Betty in the Wall Street Journal over the weekend. God knows how people find time to watch TV, let alone decide on any show among the hundreds out there. But they do! They do! And they are watching Ugly Betty.

She is one of those thinly disguised TV heads who, they put a pair of glasses on them and a set of braces and you are supposed to accept them as ugly.

Yeah, right. As Leonard Pennario would say. That was one of his expressions and I use it now in his honor.

Anyway. Quoth the Journal, the creators of Ugly Betty are worried that once her braces come off, their ratings will fall. I certainly hope that is not the same for me!

This is funny. Reading about that show it clicked in: "Ugly Betty" must have been what was playing on the plane that time, when I was heading home from California with my new braces and I was all worried about how they looked. And I looked up and the TV was showing braces on someone's teeth and the screen was flashing "Ugly! Ugly! Ugly!"

It must have been Ugly Betty!

And it took me till now to figure that out!

Yesterday there was a disturbing new development. Besides giving me orange braces for Hallowe'en ...


... the ortho put rubber bands on my teeth. Now I cannot open my mouth! Howard said this is a miracle of science, up there with the moon landing, to stop me from opening my mouth. But it is weird!

I keep telling myself people pay to get their jaws wired shut, and look, I get it as part of the package.

It feels very strange. I have my top teeth rubber-banded to my bottom teeth and I cannot even yawn. What if I get tired or bored? I cannot express myself!

I get to take these rubber bands out when I eat but they have to be in every other time, including when I am sleeping. And it is not fun putting them back in, I will tell you that right now. Yesterday after I had to put them in myself it took me forever. Actually it would have been funny had I not had to get to work. The things were flying all over the bathroom.

For 15 minutes, then 20, I kept working at it. I had this pair of tweezers. The Internet has some advice involving a hook-like instrument you are supposed to get from your ortho. It said: "If your orthodontist does not have this make him get it."

Ha, ha! I love how this advice is all geared toward teen-agers.

I finally had to give up which, being German, I hate to do. I am programmed from birth to work at something till I die. I bundled up all the bands and my tweezers and went to the office. When I got a second I took my little package and went down to this bathroom where nobody goes. It is the Second Floor Bathroom! And I went to work.

That time I succeeded. In 10 minutes.

I could not believe it!

Later the bands were pulling so bad that I went back to the ortho and had them check my work. Zut, I had them in right.

I was hoping they would say, "Oh, no, Mrs. Goldman, these are hurting you because you have them in all wrong."

That implement with the hook, the ortho said he did not have it. Everyone was in kind of a hurry because the office was closing for the day and they wanted me and my teeth and my rubber bands to go away.

Ha, ha! They gave me the hook!

The bright side is, this rubber band business is a prelude to my braces coming off. The ortho said, maybe by Christmas.

That would be a great Christmas present!